fear of success

We often don’t reach our goals/potential because of fear.

Most people associate fear with failure, but the fear of success is just as limiting as its sibling, fear of failure.

When we first set an ambitious goal, we’re filled with excitement as we think of all the positive benefits and outcomes that would come with achieving it. But once we start making progress toward the goal, sometimes we begin to worry about what it will mean if we actually achieve it or become the new version of our Self on the other side of the goal. Instead of maintaining our excitement about the impending success, we begin to fear it.

We might fear:

Expectations and responsibilities growing. Can we handle and maintain this new version of our Self and all that comes with it?

Change. Arriving at a new version of our Self means that things have had to change, and even if the change is for the better, many of us don’t like change. We prefer comfort, so the thought of the unknown of what comes with the change scares us.

Belief that success isn’t sustainable. Realizing that success means we are at a higher level, doubt that we can maintain this new level begins to creep in, paralyzing us so we stay put.

Imposter syndrome. We begin to doubt our Self and wonder if we are a fraud and the fear of people finding out we’re not as good as it appears keeps us from continuing our Pursuit of our goal.

Losing relationships. As Benny Butcher rapped, “everyone can’t go”. As we ascend to a higher version of our Self, not everyone will stay with us. This includes long-term relationships, family members, and other people we really care about. It’s hard to believe, but any relationship that does not continue with us will be replaced with one that better serves the new version of our Self. Letting go of relationships is hard, but necessary, and sometimes it’s too hard, and we keep those relationships over success.

Increased visibility and judgment. With success can come more people paying attention to you. And with this increased visibility, we become subject to more judgment and criticism—yes, we could also receive more praise and compliments, but in today’s world, it’s usually more negativity than positivity. Worrying about what others may say about us now that we’ll be more in the spotlight is frightening, and like all of the fears listed before, this keeps us from showing up as a bigger version of our Self.

I have a personal experience from years ago that embodies many of these fears.

During Covid, I was approached to audition for a self-help finance/reality show that was going to be pitched to the networks and streaming services. All I knew was that it was supposed to be an Extreme Home Makeover-like show where a team of financial advisors, led by a main advisor, would help families with their finances. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I submitted a short audition tape and then was interviewed by producers to evaluate whether I’d be a good advisor for the show.

I thought I did well with my audition, but I also knew some of the other advisors who were auditioning with larger social media audiences and reach than mine, so I figured some of them would get picked. I was just excited to have been asked—I wasn’t going to be disappointed if nothing came of it.

I remember getting a DM from an advisor I consider a good friend now saying she was excited to be working with me. Initially, I had no idea what she was talking about, but I eventually put it together and realized she was talking about the show. The next day, I received an email that I was one of two financial advisors they had chosen to pitch the show with.

A screen shot from the pitch video.

To say I was excited was an understatement.

After a couple of calls with the producers, the excitement of the “success” of being chosen for the pitch began to diminish and began to be replaced by fear.

The fear was not fear of failure. I had no doubt that if the show got picked up, it would be a massive success—failure never even crossed my mind.

The fear I felt came from what I thought the show's success would mean for me.

How would I make the recording schedule, which would take me out of town for weeks at a time, work for Ang and the boys?

Would Ang resent me being gone so much for something that wasn’t really necessary for our family?

What would life after recording be like? How much travel would I be doing to promote the show? I could see appearances on the Today Show, speaking at conferences, and more—again, this show was going to be a success if it happened.

Would the success of the show end up wrecking my family? I couldn’t think of very many “famous” families that stay together.

Would fame lead me to compromise my values? Just like my concern for my family, I could only think of the stories of fame bringing men to make bad decisions and fall to temptation.

Would a version of my Self be revealed that I didn’t know existed—one I wouldn’t choose to be? Another way of being afraid that fame would change me.

I didn’t think that my fears would actually become reality, but the unknown of what might be on the other side of a successful show scared me.

It scared me so much that I started hoping that the show wouldn’t get picked up.

Obviously, the show did not get picked up. After some back-and-forth with the producers about the direction they wanted to take the show versus what my partner and I wanted, they just quit emailing and calling. It was like it never happened.

I was ok with that. And I still am.

Had the show been picked up, I think I would have ended up opting out of it when it came time to sign a contract with the network. As cool as it would have been, I know it would have caused too much stress and disruption for my family, and Ang and the boys will always be priority number one.

But I can still feel the fear that I felt about what might happen to my family if the show happened and I was on it—revisiting it as I write this brings back the sick feeling in my stomach that I felt back then.

I’m convinced that I manifested the show out of my life—all because of the fear of it being successful.

If you find your Self pursuing a new version of yourself and recognize that fear is beginning to creep in, slowing your momentum, be sure it’s not the fear of becoming this new version of your Self. If you are only looking for the fear of failure, you might miss the fear of success that is holding you back.

Then it’s up to you to determine if that fear is real and acting as a guide or just acting as Resistance (h/t Steven Pressfield).

Keep pursuing,

JC